the old-ruined city

i’ve been through some cities. living life with all its characteristics and values.

i used to have a car, accompanying my trip. driving all the way, through those cities. adapting myself to its routines, habits and rituals. it’s been fun and sad. it’s been full of laugh, sometimes it feels simply horrible. the cities.

yeah, the option is only whether you take it as it is, or leave it. sometimes, for some reason, i’m taking it with all the risks, with all my heart. get adapted with it.

until, one day i’m fed up. the city whereby i’m contributing as ordinary citizen for a few years losing its hospitality and security. i’m so insecure.

friends said, leave your car. let it be. take it slowly. take another vehicle. go slow. be more patient. adapt. adapt. adapt.

and i’m leaving that beloved city. using a bicycle, instead of a car. moving into a big greeny yard, with big oak tree that i can climb to. it’s where i live now.

let me get this clear: it’s a big greeny yard, with a big oak tree on a village, with an old-ruined city nearby.

a village, where i can do anything. leaving all norms and values. only me, myself, and my own values.

so, one very night. i climb the oak tree, and sat down its branch. light on my cigar. looking to the old-ruined city.

somehow, someway, the city is so beautiful. i’m quite sure that she has something. this city must have been going through a glorius history. also the inglorius one, as the reason. but, what is it? the inglorius one.

and so, i took my bicycle,with all hearts, aiming to get to know it. to know all it’s characteristics and values. learn its history attached.

now, i’m riding on the street, an empty one, on a quiet old-ruined city. i’m wondering why the city was lefted empty. i’m curious now, this would be a long trip on my bicycle.

***

a few weeks passed by, and you know what? i’m in love with this city.

one, that i want to ask to this city, live is somehow feels and looks like a circle, don’t you think?

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I think God can explain

There’s a lot of things I understand. And there’s a lot of things that. I don’t want to know.
But you’re the only face I recognize. It’s so damn sweet of you, to look me in the eyes.

It’s alright, I’m O.K., I think God can explain.
I believe I’m the same, I get carried away.
I’m relieved I’m relaxed, I’ll get over it yet.

The sent of vasoline, in the summertime. The feel of an ice cube, melting overtime.
The world seems bigger than both of us. Yet it seems so small, when I begin to cry.

I’m so much better than you guessed, I’m so much bigger than you guessed,
I’m so much brighter than you guessed.

I think God can explain.

~splender

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kepingan fragmen #3

(soundtrack: lemar, what about love)

rindu, mungkin aku mulai terdengar ragu ketika mencoba menyamakan apa maumu, apa mauku. ya, aku takut. kamu pasti tau betul aku suka padamu.

define suka, mungkin begitu kamu bertanya. suka itu: ketika hanya dengan melihatmu pun aku bisa tersenyum. suka itu: ketika aku dengan senang hati menemanimu berjalan menuju depan kampus untuk mencari taksi. suka itu: ketika aku dengan langkah seribu turun ke lantai dasar dan berkeliling ke warung dan toko untuk mencari minyak telon yang kamu mau.

itu suka menurutku, menurutmu?

***

rindu, pernah kamu merasa kesepian?

ketika seolah ruang kamar tempat kamu memang terbiasa sendiri, terasa begitu luas dan lapang. tapi ketika itu juga kamu merasa ada yang kosong. seisi ruang itu terasa kosong, bahkan terasa tanpa daya gravitasi. lalu kamu merasa mengambang, terhuyung ke kanan dan kekiri. dan oh, yang menemanimu hanya bayanganmu yang dibentuk oleh satu-satunya lampu yang tergantung diatas kepala. itu pun terlihat kerdil.

aku kadang merasakannya, rindu.

***

aku masih duduk di pinggir balkon setinggi 50meter. menatap langit menjelang senja, merona merah. malu-malu.

rindu duduk disampingku, berjarak. bukan aku tak mau berimpitan, tapi jarak harus selalu ada. sesempit apapun ruang dan waktu, selalu ada yang pribadi bagi kami berdua. saat-saat dimana aku memikirkan aku, dan rindu memikirkan rindu. tapi, aku selalu memikirkan rindu, tidak memikirkan aku.

***

kamu tau apa yang dapat menghilangkan kesepianku?

kamu, rindu.

***

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after the rain

If I could bottled the smell of the wet land after the rain. I’d make it a perfume and send it to your house. If one in a million stars suddenly will hit satellite. I’ll pick some pieces; they’ll be on your way.

In a far land across. You’re standing at the sea. Then the wind blows the scent. And that little star will there to guide me.

If only I could find my way to the ocean. I’m already there with you. If somewhere down the line. We will never get to meet. I’ll always wait for you after the rain.

~Adhitia Sofyan

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kepingan fragmen #2

(soundtrack: yiruma, kiss the rain)

jarum jam tangan menunjuk ke angka sembilan, di lorong gedung tempat kami biasa berjalan. dedaunan kering terserak seolah musim gugur. rindu tidak lagi datang mulai malam ini.

bangku kelas yang biasanya kubiarkan kosong untuk didudukinya. kali ini benar-benar kosong. jadilah aku pura-pura sibuk membaca buku, padahal pikiranku pada rindu.

aku tidak mengerti pada apa yang dialaminya. low self-esteem? anxiety attack? manic depression?

lantas tidak lagi datang solusinya.

***

rindu. rindu. rindu. gadis jawa bali yang periang. kehadirannya selalu mengundang tawa. candanya selalu mengundang decak. kadang mengejutkan mendengar bagaimana rindu mencecar orang lain pun dengan canda.

hingga datang suatu masa, dia yang pergi, kembali. pulang mencarinya. pria yang ditunggu rindu, kembali.

lalu, tawa candanya hilang. seolah pria itu memakannya habis. tapi, dia yang ditunggu rindu. bukan aku.

***

kelas kami begitu tenang. kecuali kami yang duduk di sudut, saling berbisik dengan kertas. ya, berbisik, suara gesekan karbon pada pensil bertemu kertas seadanya.

aku mengajaknya makan malam itu. aku butuh ruang. dimana orang lain tidak lagi mengenal kami. soal ruang dan waktu.

ruang yang tak pernah cukup, waktu yang selalu sempit. itu yang membuat setiap detik bersama rindu menjadi begitu berharga.

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